Need to be stronger...

A friend of mine told me a couple of days ago that I need to be more assertive, more confident and be more reliable / dependable. On that, I realise that people around me who are happily married or attached are of that calibre. My brother-in-law's one of them, my 大哥's also one of them as well!

Sad to say, I'm someone who's the opposite! Flighty, irrational, emotional, totally undependable. To change all that will be tough, but I gotta try no matter what. I somehow suspect though, even if I were to change myself, everything else would not have changed at all.

I find myself shying away from happy stuff and stories and feeling more and more attracted to sorrow and loneliness. You feel peace with yourself. You don't have to put on a face for people to see. I've been on 2 trips alone and it was fantastic. Planning my next solo trip to Vietnam or maybe India. Friends out there, do not worry I am not suffering from depression! I used to fear being alone and all, and try to surround myself with friends. Often making a fool of myself and humbling myself to no end, just to win their hearts. Hence the joker was born.

People usually say I'm warm and approachable and stuff like that. But that's not entirely true. My smile's usually a facade. Not to deceive people, but nobody likes a pouting sad face. it ruins the whole atmosphere. So I have to force myself to smile. When I come to the office, when i meet friends, when i return home from work. it's tiring to force myself to smile when there's nothing to smile about actually. I'm a optimist-turned-pessimist, you see. There are some rare times when I actually smile for real. Those rare moments are locked away in my brain somewhere to prevent me from going insane the next moment.

Needed some form of therapy today so I splurged a hundred odd bucks on 2 Final Fantasy VII playarts figurines of Cloud and Aeris. Too abd Tifa is sold out right now but i'll be waiting for the next batch to come in hopefully... If time permits, I'll get some snaps and post them here.

That's enough rambling for today.

P.S it appears that my previous rambling caused some worry, but rest assured, I'm still in 1 piece and to the one who gave me your advice above, i'm not angry with ya. I'm just angry with myself....